Oh, for the love of God! Two resident lesions in my right breast have been identified by the attending radiologist as worthy of poking with a needle (or scalpel). Biopsy is consequently, officially recommended, and I am not so excited to be hearing this news, yet, I suppose no one ever is. Who looks forward to having cells forcibly extracted from their breast and examined for abnormality? Ummm, duh–no one!

So, needless to say, this has been an interesting 24 hours. I found out at about this time of the day yesterday, and I went through a blender of emotions, terror being the dominant one, of course. I have a dear friend who reminds me that it could “still be nothing” in her sweet, encouraging way. Yesterday, I told her that the path of biopsy was simply just not the brand of nothing I was hoping for. Know what I mean? Yes. I bet you do. Our brand of nothing would have been more like:

“Squeaky clean mammo, Ms. d’Ancona, not a spot on there, see you next year, hun. Bah-Bye!”

Ohhh, well, not the case this time.

Needless to say, I am thinking of the best, expecting the best, imagining the best. Moments of worry shroud this positivity, but I try not to indulge them. I had a hands-on massage today, got my oncoming grey hairs annihilated at the roots, came home and ate an entire bag of Snyder’s of Hanover Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Sandwiches for lunch. Obviously, this was not an Ayurvedically correct meal, folks. Yes. Even the great, eating disorders research psychologist-in-the-making still falls prey to the lure of coping via binge, especially with things perceived as significant life challenges on the horizon. It has been almost one year since I ate to the bottom of a bag. It’s been even longer since I “went unconscious” eating, which I thankfully did not do today. If you binge eat, and if you wish to move beyond this behavior, I say to you this moment: STAY CONSCIOUS. Even if you falter, and you find yourself stuffing your face. The important thing is for you to be present with every single solitary morsel. This small thing can completely change your mind, and ultimately alter your life.  Stay present, and begin to mend your mind-body split.

I say these things because my life has been the equivalent of a rebirth since I have gotten this far. My body is completely changed. I am feeling so healthy, happy and encouraged. I know that this healing is accessible to you too, and this is why I am so committed to this work of unraveling ED behavior. May the great light of awareness continue to guide my hand in these research endeavors. If there were evidence needed that I have entered into this exploration via the medium of my own wounds, hell, this would be the perfect example!

And, damn, my belly hurts now… One good thing about giving up binge eating behavior is this: once healthy patterns of eating are installed, binge behavior actually becomes painful, uncomfortable and is barely tolerated by the body. The recovering person who “falls off the wagon” in an attempt to cope with some difficult emotion or circumstance (such as my current predicament with precarious breast health) may have a terrible experience eating emotionally, or unhealthily after making significant strides toward healing (as I have). Thankfully, the body becomes our ally in recovery over time.  Even if our busy minds carry us in the direction of destructive behavior, and even if we participate, there is nothing stopping us from getting right back up in the saddle again. No matter what.

So, for my next meal, I will have something delicious and nourishing. I will continue to tell myself that I am healthy and that my biopsied cells will turn up normal under the microscope. I will take a nap with a cat or two and listen to the raindrops pat my roof. I will dream of attracting an editor who knows my warrior spirit, and a publisher who recognizes my genius, and who is willing to help me to reach people with this amazing stuff about food, and body, and obsession, and pain. Together, we might help our fellow overeating Americans to discover that the second helping never really does soothe the soul.

Oh. My. God. So many things are now ending, and have ended. It’s an amazing, frightening, thrilling and sad time…all at once. Quite an amalgamation! As I write this, I am (proverbially) trying to stay balanced at the water’s edge. Where I stand, in the sand, is the very place where the wave hits the shore. Its great force surges there in an explosion of froth and foam. I want to plunge deeper into the sea, to venture beyond the place where the water’s power pounds the land. The deeper I go, the better off I am, yet, I persist in attempting to remain at the site where I am most likely to be toppled by the freshest waves. I should just dive in, for apparently, “the water’s fine“. What’s stopping me?

Yesterday, a very dear friend e-mailed me this incredible poem by William Blake:

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise

She did so, because we are having lively talks about impermanence these days. This discussion was actually stimulated by a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh:

“The day is now ended. Our lives are shorter. Let us look carefully at how we have acted. Sisters, brothers, with all your hearts, let us diligently engage in the practice. Let us live deeply, as free people, always aware of impermanence so life does not drift away meaninglessly.”

Not sure from where this quote originates, but I have learned in the last hour, that impermanence is identified as a fundamental element of Buddhist meditation. The four basic subjects, as named by the Sutra on The Eight Realizations of Great Beings, are:

• IMPERMANENCE
• SUFFERING
• NO-SELF
• IMPURITY

The first of these subjects (our topic today) contends that from moment-to-moment, everything in our world is in a constant state of transformation. My friend was particularly delighted by Keith Kachtick’s most recent article in Yoga Journal (an exploration on the idea of impermanence), because he describes “…everything as a sandcastle, sooner or later washing away with the tide.”

My sandcastle’s gone, so I might as well just jump in the water, right?

Maybe you are engaged in a dance of body transformation that has your attention on what you eat, how you look and what you weigh. Think about that process of re-connecting to your body and of becoming conscious about your eating behavior.

What’s ending and what’s beginning for you right now?

What’s being born and what’s maturing?

Look inside for a minute and tell us what you’ve found…

During a recent dinner meeting, a friend and mentor asked me about the maturation of the Yoga Vartula! as an effective intervention for disordered eating and clinical obesity. As a Florida state licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), and expert interrogator, she wanted to know about “The Powerful Why” behind my recent work with ED through psychology, yoga, the expressive arts, and Ayurveda. She asked because, as I refine this curriculum to include new elements of therapeutic practice and lifestyle support, it is obvious to her that it is miraculously working.

She can see this in the radiance emanating forth from my being, and for the dramatic transformation of my body. She is once again convinced of the efficacy of the intervention I’ve created, because I am both the painter, and the canvas. I am the clinician, and the patient. I am the subject, and the observer. As we sat among the other late-night diners, I was impervious to the lure of crusty, coconut bread. It was 9:00 p.m., and because Ayurveda tells me that I am done eating for the day at 6:00 p.m. (or 7:00 p.m., at the very latest), I am sated and happy to answer questions, and just be with my old friend.

Because she has known me a long, long time, she is well acquainted with the version of me that was locked in a seemingly insurmountable struggle with eating, weight, embodiment, shame and just general, overall, living. She knows that I have entered into this therapeutic work of unraveling the binge and deconstructing the armor of flesh through my very own wounds. It has been as humiliating as it has been exhilarating, and the best part is, that I have journeyed this time as a yogini-psychologist, and researcher. As I have healed, I have studied and as I have studied, I have healed. I have taken notes, and I am determined to share what I’ve lived, and what I’ve learned.

“The Powerful Why” of the Yoga Vartula! is that it teaches as it empowers. It is a process that allows people to mend their mind-body disconnects, while they cultivate the awareness and compassion that they will need to carry them through the rest of the arduous healing process, and beyond. It is a gentle, and gradual, but powerful means of excavating the driving mechanism behind disordered eating behavior, and it provides nutritional and lifestyle support that fosters lasting weight loss and the development of exquisitely healthy eating habits that are attuned with the seasons, and that connect us with our Earth. When we interact with food in healthy ways, every time we eat, we affirm our lives and salute our existence. When we do not, then we suppress the life force and we deny ourselves the vibrant quality of life that is our very birthright.

Those who bear difficulty with eating benefit greatly from body-centered modalities that harmonize: spirit + mind + body. If healing is to commence, the binge eater must begin the descent into his (or her) body. It is essential that he (or she) be freed from the tower chamber of the skull. Mind-body disconnects powerfully enable ED, thus, mind-body integration is one of the keys to successful treatment. Going to the mat with attention to breath is a very simple way to bring this connectivity about, as is movement of the body in general. However, denial plays a huge role in furthering ED pathology, and it has proven to be a relatively adaptive obstacle to treatment. Denial defends the binge and the binge defends the fat. The fat insulates us from our experiences, our emotions, and from the reality of our lives.

For me, erecting a wall of fat around my body is very basically about not feeling safe in the world. Compulsive overeating insured that I could successfully build that fortress, and it provided me with an excellent anesthetic that numbed me from my experience and quieted down all of my basic needs (emotional, spiritual and physical).

I urge you to think about your relationship with food and to explore the themes of deprivation and excess in your eating life.

Where and when do you deny yourself?

How do you overindulge?

Why…

Namaste, my friends. I welcome you to this creative space of ours. Kindly read, register and contribute, if you will. This writer’s realm will be devoted to discourses regarding consciousness, body, movement, yoga, meditation, joy, psychology, intimacy, sexuality, creative expression, quality of life and human potential. Countrymen, lend me your minds!

Please join me in jolting the gray matter. Take the time to ponder and to name the things that stir your thoughts here. We are the legions of listening ears and open hearts. Here, we will begin to fathom the unfathomable, right along with you. There’s safety (and power) in numbers, so show us your musings, and we will show you ours.

Go bananas! (They’re high in potassium).